Feb 3, 2012

Feelings of a daughter of an alcoholic

 I am a  daughter of an alcoholic . He is no longer alive, on this earth. He is still alive, in my mind, though. You who choose to be dependant on alcohol and or drugs, please consider what it does not only to you, but to those around you, even some who you claim to love. Alcohol and drugs will destroy you, your family and everyone you come in contact with. You are thinking right now: “Well, I cannot stop!” You may feel powerless, defeated, or you might like what you are doing. Can you actually say that you like feeling out of control? Do you think that numbing your pain and sadness will ever fix one single problem in your life because friend, when you sober up, the problem is still there. You’ve just delayed finding a solution for one more binge, one more drug induced or drunken night of ridiculousness. You can continue to justify what you are doing or you can look up and cry out to God!! You’ve tried that before, you say? Well, what is your part in the process? Your part is loving your life more than the substance you’ve sold yourself to. Realize that God wants to do a work in you but understand that you’d rather sit in self pity and anguish than to take responsibility for your own actions and decisions. First, look at yourself. Learn to forgive others and yourself. Stop blaming everyone for your abuse problems! Take responsibility and then accept what God wants to do in your life! If you fail, get back up and try again! God is full of mercy and He sees the entire picture.

This is a short version of my story. Hopefully, you will be able to identify with a part or all of what I am about to share. My parents had to get married, because of me. They both had a stressful home situation and they planned me so they would be allowed to get married. My father was raised in a drinking home. My mother was raised in a very strict home, where she was beaten by her father, on a regular basis. He later asked the children to forgive him and the truth is that he was beaten unmercifully by his mother. My father’s father was a violent alcoholic and a womanizer. He also beat my grandmother and would kick her down the steps. He did change in his later years, thank The Lord. My dear paternal grandmother was the first person who told me that Jesus loved me, but I did not become a born again believer until many years later. My paternal grandmother had rheumatoid arthritis and believed she would be healed until the day she died and she loved The Lord, so much! She received her ultimate healing when she left this earth. My father started cheating on my mother, probably before my younger sister was born. My mother loved him so much and always took him back, yet he kept drinking and running around on her. He was very violent and would punch holes in walls and tell me he hated me and to get away from him! He always said that he wanted boys and not girls. One of his early girlfriends had sons and he would take them to events, such as the circus and treated them well. We sometimes, did not have enough to eat as he would come home while we were not there and take all of the food out of the freezer and give it to his mistress and her family. He was in and out of my life so many times I lost count. We were evicted out of many residences, and had furniture and cars repossessed and all the while, my father was out having a grand time, partying with his girlfriends and drinking. My father constantly yelled very loudly and it was not until my early twenties that those screaming voices left my mind. I always tried to have a relationship with my father, and he never wanted it. He rejected me. He would tell me he loved me and then if I tried to talk to him I was screamed at and belittled. All the while he drank and included illegal drugs and also prescription drugs. The current prescription drug problem is also destroying many lives. People justify taking them because some doctor wrote a prescription for it. I have family members right now that are doing this! They are slowly killing themselves and staying numb so they do not have to deal with their problems. It wrenches my heart! I try to talk to them, but they are in the justifying stage and do not wish to hear it. I need to add that because of mankind’s fall, there may be times because of chemical imbalances of the brain one might have to be on medication for a while, but the ultimate goal should be to get well so a person does not have to be medicated for life. People that are raised in such a dangerous, insecure environment never know where they stand in life and that is what happened to me. Fathers!!!!!!!! Listen up, now. If this is what you are doing, please get help. You are destroying your children. They ARE being affected whether you think so or not. Mothers!!!! How can you stay numb! Your children need you now. If this is you, please get help! You do not need a pill for every headache or every issue in life. Cannot you see how that negates your trust in The Living God? The rejection and substance abuse from my father sent me on a quest to “find someone to love me.” You, who abuse substances are emotionally abandoning your wife, husband and children. So, I spent many, many years feeling worthless and unlovable. God truly is a Father to the fatherless because in all of my searching He has not ever left me. I was not a substance abuser, but had ridiculous relationships that should have cost me my life! Think about this, fathers and mothers. I am not telling you these things so you will pity me or feel sorry for me, only so that you will be able to hear first hand what it does to the people you are destroying. Many years into my search, after a horrible divorce and still trying to find love and never believing that God loved me, and I was a Believer that was SO messed up, I started reading God’s Word, again. Every horrible thing in His Holy Word pointed at me and accused me. I was dying inside and thought I had no more chances. The internal war was so intense. The person I wanted to marry took me at my request, to a hospital program called “Rapha” which I believe means “God Heals.” To make a long story short I screamed out to The Lord “Why haven’t I ever had any peace!!!!” One night, while I was there, He restored and forgave me. This was in 1995. Can I say that things have been perfect? No, but He has kept me and He longs to do the same to and for you! He also gave me Job, chapter 33, and this passage answered every question I had asked Him. Alcoholic, He longs to heal and forgive you if you will let Him. Drug abuser, He is standing with you, searching your heart to see if you will turn to Him and give yourself to Him. He longs to heal the addict, too. You have to turn towards Him and release your heart to Him. I used to tell my Father that he could be forgiven if he would ask. He told me before he died that he did ask for forgiveness. I hope he did. He wants to heal you for you and your family, so you can stand and be the man or woman of God that you were always meant to be. I hope that you can see that my struggle with feelings of worthlessness came about because there was never any security in my life. Let’s face it, life is difficult enough for children and adults without have alcoholic/drug induced parenting going on. Will you turn to Him today? He is waiting. He will not cast out those who cry out to Him! If His Spirit is searching your heart right now, turn it over to Him!
Received over mail.
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